Memorization

(dials phone)

Hostess: “Good evening, this is Fancy Restaurant. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I was there earlier this evening and I’m wondering if I may have accidentally left an item there.”

Hostess: “Oh, I’m so sorry for your inconvenience, sir. I’ll be happy to assist you in any way I can. Do you remember the name of your server?”

Me: “Sorry, I’m not sure. Maybe it was… Amy?”

Hostess: “Hmm… Could it have been Teresa?”

Me: “Possibly.”

Hostess: “Maybe it was Sarah?”

Me: “Maybe, I guess. I’m really not sure. But, you know, she’ll probably remember me. I was the 6’4″ Viking wearing a kilt.”

Hostess: (laughter) “Oh yes… we all remember you.” (laughter)

Dressing Up

(dinner at restaurant)

Me: “OK, time to head back to the hotel.”

(stands up)

Little Boy, next table, age maybe 5: (loudly) “See! I told you he was wearing a dress! See! See!”

Parents: (eyes wide) “Uh…”

Me: “It’s a kilt. They’re very comfortable. You should try one.”

TB: “Cool.”

Parents: (eyes wide) “Uh…”

(at tuck-ins)

Me: “OK, son, it’s time for lights…”

Danger Monkey, age 10: (lying still, eyes closed)

Me: “Oh, I see he is already asleep.”

DM: …

Me: “He’s definitely not faking sleep. He’s definitely really, really asleep.”

DM: …

Me: …

DM: …

Me: …

DM: (cracks smile)

Me: “Very few people smile in their sleep, you know.”

DM: (eyes pop open) “Dang it. I always fall for that.”

Me: “Fall for what? I was just staring at you.”

DM: “Yeah, but I KNEW you were staring at me.”

Me: “You’re not a very good faker, and that’s OK.”

DM: “I know.”

Me: “Besides, your little sister does enough faking for the entire family.”

DM: “She really does.”