Worth It

You know, you have a kid and, sure, it’s cool and circle of life blah blah. But they’re so much work, you know, with the feeding — EVERY DAY — and diapers and the sleepless nights and the scraped knees and, oh, let’s say… surprise heart surgery. And, sure, they look like you and that’s flattering, I guess, with the propagating of your genes and all. And sometimes they smile at you or do well in school and get awards and it’s nice. Yay. But then one day when they’re almost fifteen they disappear for an hour and then show up with hand made and delicious Thin Mint ice cream that they made entirely by themselves with real Thin Mints and they give you some before you even ask and suddenly it’s all been worth it.

Sarcasm

Danger Monkey, age 9: “You say a lot of things you don’t actually mean.”

Me: “It’s called sarcasm. Learn it now because our family lives on it.”

DM: “That doesn’t make sense. Also, can we pull over? I have to go really bad.”

Me: “We just left a restaurant! We have like 20 minutes until we get home.”

DM: “Crap.”

Me: “Not in my car you don’t. Also, don’t say crap.”

DM: “You say it a lot.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m 45 with a beard and a job.”

DM: “What does a beard have to do with it?”

Me: “Because I’m an authority figure.”

DM: “Sure you are.”

(pause)

DM: “That was sarcasm.”

Me: “I know.”

(pause)

Me: “I’m proud of you.”

DM: “I know.”