Month: October 2017

Got an Eyeful

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Wonderful Wife: “Time to get your school backpack cleaned out. Let’s get it all put away. Everything in its place!”

(furious digging)

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Oh! I’ve been looking everywhere for this.”

WW: “What is it?”

DM: “My eye patch.”

WW: “Does that really belong in your school backpack?”

DM: “No.”

WW: “So… where does it go?”

DM: “Over my eye.”

WW: …

Sick

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Me: (tiny cough)

Little Miss Thing, age 8: “I think you’re sick.”

Me: “I’m not sick.”

LMT: “I think you have that one disease.”

Me: “I’m afraid to ask.”

LMT: “You have P-new-mommia.”

Me: “Do you mean pneumonia?”

LMT: “No, it’s P-new-mommia. You have to go pee… with a newspaper… and Mama!”

(so much giggling)

Me: …

Down with Pants

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Me: “Is your room clean yet?”
Danger Monkey, age 10: “Yes.”
Me: “Good. I’ll go inspect it.”
(long pause)
DM: “No. It’s not ready yet.”
Me: “OK. But why not? It’s been a while since you went up there.”
DM: “Because… my pants.”
(long pause)
Me: “Your pants.”
DM: “Yes, my pants.”
(long pause)
Me: “I don’t get the connection. Help me out here.”
DM: “These are my heaviest pants. They are really slowing me down.”
(long pause)
ME: “OK, first, I have to tell you I think you’re making that up as an excuse because you were playing around instead of cleaning. But, just in case it’s an actual issue, let’s address this. I feel comfortable saying that if your pants or any article of clothing is keeping you from cleaning your room, you should change your clothes. If needed, you can even clean your room naked.”
DM: “You’re no fair!” (storms off)
(long pause)
Me: “Tweenager.”