My Wonderful Wife: “I made the dinner, so you kids need to clean up the dishes.”

Little Miss Thing, age 5: “I can’t.”

Me: “And why not?”

LMT: “It’s bad for my self esteem.”

Me: “I think I’ll take that risk.”


PRO TIP: Toothpaste should NEVER be stored next to a tube of tuna flavored cat laxative.

So… How is your morning going?

Yes, this actually happened. Did not make into my mouth, though. Could have been worse.


Walking into an elementary school, arms full of heavy backpacks. I come to a big heavy fire door that I can’t possibly open myself. Suddenly a tiny 2nd grader boy appears and opens the door.

Tiny dude: “I’m holding the door for you.”

Me: “Yes, and thank you very much.”

TD: “You are welcome, big hairy guy.”

Me: ….