Door Jam

Me: “Hey! Who left the back door totally open? The air conditioning costs money, you know!”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “Sorry. I forgot to close it.”

Me: “Please try harder to remember in the future. It really does cost money.”

DM: “OK. Sorry. I’ll go close it.”

Me: “No, I’m closer. I’ll close it for you. And, actually, it’s starting to rain, so I’ll just go out and put the cover on my grill real quick.”

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “In your UNDERWEAR?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

LMT: “You can’t go outside in your underwear!”

Me: “We live out in the woods and hardly anyone can see our back deck. And what’s the difference between boxer shorts and swimming trunks?”

LMT: “I think it’s a really bad idea.”

DM: “Yeah, Dad. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Me: “Well, guess what. Just to clear things up around here, I’m the Dad and I’ve been around the block a time or two. I think I can make this type of decision for myself. Trust me, it’s not as big a deal as you think. But thanks for your input and your concern.”

Me: (steps outside)

(door slams behind me, lock loudly clicks)

Me: “Uh…”

(much laughter behind the door)

(so much laughter)

(mass hysterics)

(long pause)

(rain starts to fall)

Me: “I really should have seen that coming.”

 

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Chipper

(wrestling)

Little Miss Thing, age 7: “Hold him down while I try to tickle his feet!”

Me: “I’m not ticklish.”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “I’ve got his arms, you get his legs!”

Me: “Help. Help. I’m totally pinned.”

LMT: “I can only hold one leg.”

DM: “I’ve got both his arms, but I think he’s just letting me win.”

Me: “And now… the tickling!”

(tickling)

(much tickling)

(much laughter)

DM: “Oh gross! Your breath smells like potato chips.”

Me: “You know, for a kid who eats raw onions…”

LMT: “Of course his breath stinks! This is Dad we’re talking about. Don’t get distracted. ATTACK!”

(pounce)

(much tickling)

(much laughter)

(much love)

Humdinger

Little Miss Thing, age 7: (singing loudly) “OH SUSANNA! DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME! CAUSE I COME FROM ALABAMA, EATING JUNK FOOD ALL FOR FREE!”

Danger Monkey, age 10: “That’s not how it goes.”

(giggling)

LMT: “Second verse, same as the first! Little bit louder, little bit worse! OH SUSANNA! DON’T YOU CRY…”

DM: “PLEASE STOP SINGING THAT SONG!”

(long pause)

LMT: (humming)

DM: “Please stop humming that song!”

(long pause)

LMT: (whistling)

DM: “Please stop whistling that song.”

(long pause)

LMT: (tapping rhythm) (giggling)

DM: “Please stop tapping out that song.”

(long pause)

LMT: (snapping fingers) (giggling)

DM: “Please stop snapping your fingers to that song.”

(everyone giggling)

(long pause)

LMT: (wiggling chair to make it squeak rhythmically)

DM: “Please stop squeaking that song.”

(much giggling)

(long pause)

LMT: (leaves and returns)

LMT: (playing toilet paper tube like a kazoo)

DM: “Please stop playing that song on a toilet paper tube.”

Me: “OK, you gotta give her credit for creativity.”

(laughter)

(love)